♥ Special Memories About You ♥

Losing them both within less than 1 yr

2010-01-22T18:22:00.000-08:00

Date: 23/1/2010
Day: Saturday

On wednesday nite, i went to pasir ris park with dear..
As I look out into the endless sea, lots of things went through my mind..
As the scene of what happen for the past few days ran through my mind, tear rolled down my face..

I was thinking: During the exact day at last year, I still have 2 grandmothers around..
But just after only 1year, I've lost both of them..
I dont have them anymore.. Feeling so lost without the both of them suddenly..
Well.. Who would expect such things to happen at all.
Especially having to lose them both within a span of just less den 1 year..
One was gone on 6 Apr 2009 (Granny) while another left on 16 Jan 2010 (Grandma).
The length of time that passed was only 9mths 10days only..
Not even A year yet..

The blow that is to us.. Seems somehow unbearable at certain time of life..
Haiizz.. Sometimes really dunno wat to do at all.
MY 2nd sis had always tell us to have prepartion in our heart that one day it might just happen..
But who knows, it still hurts so much when she goes..
But at least one thing for sure is that she is relieve from all her pain..
At least she is finally reunited with grandfather after 10yrs..

Who really loose their love ones one right after another in such a short time??
The wound is not even heal when i loose my granny, then the wound is torn apart again when i lose my grandma this time..
I've not even learn to accept the fact that my granny is gone..
But now, another have left too..
All seems like a dream.. Something that doesnt seems real at all..

I think it would hurt even more for my parents..
I know how hurtful it is to lose their own mothers..
Having to go through the unbearable pain over and over again when the wound isnt heal at all..
We know that we have to come to accept the fact..
But we just pushed all the thoughts and pain aside, not wanting to think about it..
But when these thoughts and pain surface, it would only hurt us even more..

♥ Missing the both of U dearly ♥

May U rest in Peace

2010-01-22T18:19:00.000-08:00

Blog running concurrently @ mypainfulmemories.blogspot.com

Date: 16/1/2010 - 20/1/2010
Day: Sat- Wed

Got a call at 1.30am from my uncle that my grandma could hold on much longer.
All of us rushed down from Pasir Ris all the way to Tuas..

At first when we reach there, i thought that grandma was still alive.
But only when I heard from my uncle that the doctor had pronounce that her heartbeat had stopped..
I didnt know what to do at all but just cried..

Although we have somewhat expected this due to her illness but still, its stil hard to let go..
I still rmb the last time when she held on to my hand when she's at the hospital.
How i wish that i can still hold on to her again..
But i know that it will be impoossible..
Something that can never be done anymore..

Whatever that happens in the past few days, it doesnt seems real at all.
Somewhat, i feels like i'm in a dream or worst, a NIGHTMARE..

I really misses her very much.. ♥♥

♥ Pain ♥

2009-11-29T04:29:00.000-08:00

Date: 29/11/09
Day: Sun

Days that you were gone from our life: 7mths 23 days

I've not updated this blog for a very long time..
Within the past 2 mths, lots of stuff happens..
LQ got married on 17 Oct (Sat).
This is the day tt she had hoped that Granny could have attended..
But, even though LQ had brought the date forward, Granny was still not be able to be there in person.

What I'll rmb deeply is the speech that LQ gave at her wedding..
The speech touches the Tan Family..
Tears were flowing uncontrollably as the memories of you flow through our mind..
You are always remembered dearly by every single one of us..
There are so many times that whenever i thought of you, i will just cry..
Everytime i keep asking myself why is it so unfair that you just simply leave us like this..
You didnt even say any last words to us..
We didnt even get to talk to u for the last time..
But i'm glad that you went off peacefully..

Granny, if there's anything tt you need, you just have to let me know de..
Thanks for the care that you've showered us with..
You'll always be irreplaceable..

I miss you~~

阿嫲，你知道我有多么的想你吗。
我有多么希望一切所发生的都是一场噩梦而已。
有很多次每当我睡醒而张开眼时，有多么的希望能再一次的见到你。
我好想念你在我们生命里的那段日子。。

days passed

2009-09-01T09:49:00.000-07:00

Date: 1 Sep 09

All of us met up and went to pray Granny on Sat ( 29 08 09) @ Guan Ming San..
I realise smth..
Whenever we looked at Granny's tablet, most of our eyes would start to water..
LQ, XQ, Step and even me..
I try not to look them in the eyes as I know tt if i did, i would confirm cry de..

Even though a length of time have passed, but we'll still hve tt sour sour feeling whenever we mention about Granny..
All of us will just paused in silent, as if we're havin flashback on what had happend..
People says tt we need time to heal our "wounds"..
Mayb half a yr..
But I doubt tt.. Seriously.
There is LQ's wedding @ Oct and also CNY..
So these are some of the major timing tt we'll all feel sad and losted..

Weell... Me n my sis have talk about it before..
What are we really going to do during CNY??
Daddy & mummy are not going to bring Granny around to pray as usual..
Mummy confirm will be sad de..
*sigh..
We will be missing the sight of her on her rocking chair..
Her walking around the house..
Her talking bout the tv programme that we'll be watching..
Its like missing a part of her in our lifes..

I'm having exams on the 2nd and 4th sep..
Hopfully everything would goes well..
Granny, frm where u're, pls blessed me and my sis that everything will goes well in our exams..
Thanks Granny =D

♥♥ misses ♥♥

2009-08-22T09:52:00.000-07:00

Date:23 08 09
Time: 1am
Days you've be missed by us: ♥♥ 4mths 17days ♥♥

Been so long since my last blogging..

It had been quite a long time since our last gathering le..
The last time we got togther was during Granny's 100th day anniversary..
Ltr, there will be another family gathering at Orchard Hotel~ Orchard Cafe..

Just now was watching movie: Where got Ghost??" with one of my close fren..
Somehow at some of the scene, it reminds me of Granny..

Now is the 7th mth le..
Someday, i cant help bout wonder would we get to see Granny??
Though it seems really silly but i really cant help but wonder..
*sigh..

Its the first 7th mth without Granny around..
Would I get to see her at all??
Would I get to see her when I'm alone in my room??
Would I get to see her just anywhere around??

Sometimes, wen i'm watching some tv shows, there are scenes tt would bring some memories that we had with Granny..
Then my tears would drop..
Even thought it has been 137 days since Granny was gone, the thoughts tt run through my mind would just bring back tears to my eyes..

♥♥ Granny, I misses u sooo much ♥♥

As the time passes by......

2009-06-20T00:56:00.000-07:00

Date: 20 June 2009 (Saturday)

It has been 2 months and 2 weeks since Granny was gone from our lives.. Though many of us seems to have let go of the major happening that had left a huge impact in our lives that had sudden us by sudden, the truth is that none of us had gotten over it at all.. Its like we seems to be trying to get on like the past, trying our best not to recall the painful event as often as we could.. The entire event had in fact really causes so much pain in our heart and its unlikely for us to let it go even as months passes by..

Throughout the 10 weeks, we had many gatherings that had bonded even closer than before.. We had pot-luck sessions, dinners and even bowling sessions.. The latest gathering for us would be the picnic cum BBQ tml (Sunday 21/6).. We are all trying our best to carry on our Granny's wish on being bonded together for a long long time even after she had left.. Our granny always likes it whenever we gathered together for family events.. Even though she had left us, she will always have a place deep in our heart..

I was talking to mum on Thursday night (18/6).. I asked her this question: " Mummy, do you think that whether anyone of us had really gotten over the fact that Granny really had left us??" She replied that she feels that even though 2 mths had passed, none of us in the Tan Family had really gotten over it at all.. I strongly agreed with what my mum said.. I mean, its like all of us in the Tan Family had not even accepted the truth that our beloved Granny is gone forever.. The pain that really occupies us deep inside, its something that we had not expected to face it so soon at all.. It all seems like a bad dream and we would all want to wake up from it.. Its simply too sudden, too quick for all these to happen.. None of us had expected for her to be gone from our lives so soon.. At least not in 2009 nor even the next few years.. Its so cruel and painful for all of us to face without us being prepared in any way..

I had always thought that we will always get to see her on sunday whenever my family goes over to my 2nd uncle's home to visit her.. It not like we had expected this to stop sudden.. All the laughter and dialect that we used to always hear from her, it all seems to have stopped too sudden.. Its like how come it just happen like that?? There was no warning or any last word at all.. Then she is gone from our lives.. All of us did not even get the chance to speak to her for the last time..

Why do we always have to be so ignorant??
Why do we always only learn to appreciate after it was gone??
Why is it that we always do stuff that we will only regret later??
Why didnt we thought of spending more times with our love ones??
Why do we never appreciate all the stuff that our love ones always does for us??
Why is it that we know that our love ones will leave us one day but yet we always take them for granted??

Why why why??

Would I ever get to see you in my dream again?
Whenever I think of you, tears would drop no matter where am I..
The hurt can only be hidden in our heart..
I really miss u very much Granny..
Misses you alot till it sometimes hurt..

Memories II

2009-06-07T08:10:00.000-07:00

Date: 7 June 2009 (Sunday)

As i'm reading my sis's blog, all the memories on whatever that had happen just flow back through my mind.. It had been sometime since i last blog.. All these while, i thought tt i've finally allow myself to let go on all the unhappiness.. But it was on when I started to read on my sis wrote, i realised that i had not let go at all.. I've only been surpressing my thoughts and feelings bout whatever had happen..

Sunday used to be the time when my mummy and daddy would go my 2nd uncle home to visit my Granny.. Me and my 2 sis would only go whenever we're free.. Tts why we were really happy whenever Granny came over to stay..

But this would never happen again..

Yesterday, mummy bought durians.. It is Granny's favourite fruit.. When we were opening the fruit, somehow it remind me of the times tt whenever we gave durian to Granny, she would refuse to take it and give it to us instead.. She would rather give it to us to enjoy even though she loves durian..

But this would never happen anymore..

Whenever we're watching television programme, Granny would always be talking and talking bout whatever that happens in the show.. Sometimes we would have to explain it to her throughout the entire show.. We would feel paranoid for not being able to watch the show peacefully and might nagged at her.. (Granny, I'm very sorry to have felt this way..)

But this would never ever happen anymore..

All the "eating out" with Granny on weekends.. She sleeping on my bed whenever she comes over.. Her waking up very early in the morning and coming in to my 2nd sis room to check on us if we're sleeping well.. Whenever at meals, her giving us the food instead of having them for herself.. It had came to an end le.. All these things, i would nvr go throught them anymore..

I really miss hearing her talking to us.. I really miss her using our own dialect whenever she talks to us.. I really do miss hearing her voice.. I really miss the way she holds on to me whenever we go out.. I really miss the way her soft wrinkle hand would hold on to mine.. I really miss the way she calls me.. I really wanna talk to her so much.. I really wana hold her hand again..

Granny, I really misses you so much..

Would u be appearing in my dream?? Would i be able to see you anymore?? Would you be talking to me again??

Memories I

2009-05-28T22:55:00.001-07:00

It was already a few weeks since Granny was gone, I was flipping through the photo album and came across some photos that were taken more then 10 year ago.. As I looked through all these photos, my tears were rolling down my cheeks.. Somehow, i really still misses Granny so much..

Why do we always tend to do stuff that would only result in being regretful later on in time?? We always tend to take things for granted and would only learn to cherish them after they were gone.. But it is already too late by the time we want to spend more time with them.. Sometimes, we are so busy with our own stuff that we would neglect our love ones.. We tend to find excuses for ourselves as a form of consoling when we are unable to find time for them..

After all the stuff that I've gone through for the past few weeks, I strongly believe that we have to cherish our love ones before its too late.. We must not do things that would result in being regretful when time goes by..

This photo was taken on 26 Nov 1989..
I was like only 1yr plus.. Though this memory in my mind is quite faint, i could still see the love that Granny had for her grandchildren..

The next 2 photos were taken at my old house (Tampines).. I cant really rmb which year was it being taken but one thing for sure is that it had happened more then 15yrs ago.. Every year, we would always celebrate Granny's birthday.. No matter where the celebration was being held at, we always make sure that every family members would be present on that very day..

Throughout the years, Granny would always take very good care of us, no matter how naughty we might be.. She would often run after us in order to feed us.. I always remember that at every Chinese New Year, whenever my mum gave her red packets, she would refuse to take it and keep asking my mum to use the money to buy stuff for us.. Her love for all of us is really so great..

Whenever she comes over to my house to stay, my parents would buy her favourite food for her... There were many times where my parents would specially durian for her as it was one of her favourite.. Whenever my mum asked her to eat the durian, Granny would pass the fruit to us instead, telling us to eat.. Normally I would just asked Granny to eat it and do not have to worry as there is more.. It was only then that she would sit on the rocking chair and enjoy the durian..

Whenever she came over for the weekend to stay, my parents would always bring her out to eat.. One place that we would often to was Changi Village for Dim Sum.. Granny would keep asking us to eat, as she do not want us to get hungry.. Whenever at meals, she would cook her specialty and keep asking us to eat and would not wan any of us to go hungry.. Its all these small guestures that we would always tend to take it for granted..

I really miss her cooking such as the porridge and chicken wings that she would used to cook..

As Granny gets older, she was diagnosed with diamentia.. It was at that point of time when her temper starts to change.. She would keep nagging at us to a stage that alot of us would withdraw from her or even talk back at her.. Why didnt any of us understand her at all..?!? She only nagged at us for our own good but why do we only think of it as irritance?? She only wanted us to pay more attention to her but yet we were always so busy with our own stuff.. We keep telling ourselves that we have to be patient with her and try to understand what she was going through because of the diamentia.. But instead, we loose our temper at all, thinking how come is she so stubborn and would not listen to what we say.. We always tend to regret our actions when its too late.. She had only want the best for us and keep showering us with her love..

Granny, you would always remain in our heart and missed by all of us.. We appreciate all the stuff that you had done for us.. Thank you Granny..

Sudden depart III

2009-05-28T05:24:00.000-07:00

The following events took place throught the differents days for the next 49 days...

1st week of depart:
We all met my uncle's house for prayers..
It was quite emotional for all of us..
Lots of prayers and kneeling took place..
Its taking a toll on our kneels..
Many of us are "suffering" from blue black on our knees..

For the next few weeks, we would also gather at my uncle's home for prayers sessions..

I remember at one time, my eldest cousin - Lifang, asked me this question: " Did you have any dream for the past weeks about Granny?"

Strangely, I indeed did had a dream on a particular night..

As we were advised not to burn any houses for my granny, we just burned for her other items like "LV bags, jewelleries, money, mercedez, aeroplanes,etc..." So we were all wondering that if we do not burn any houses for granny, where would granny stay..

Well, stangely, on one of the nite, i've this dream:
I was walking in a unfamilar house.. Just then, I saw granny sitting at the dining table with my grandpa... They were both smiling very happily.. Somehow, it seems to say that they were finally united together after being seperated for 30plus yrs.. They are staying together at the same house..

So somehow, it seems to answer all of our questions on where would granny be staying ba..

The 49 days seems to pass so fast..
It somehow signify that granny is already gone for 49 days liao le..
But have all of us accepted this fact that she is gone?
That's the qns that can only be answered as the time passed ba..

We will all carry on our granny wishes: No matter whether is she still around, we will still have our usual family gathering like always.. =)

Sudden Depart II

2009-05-28T04:07:00.000-07:00

Date: 11 Apr 2009 (Sat)

Yesterday, we cremented our granny..
Today, we went back to the temple for the finalization of the preparation of the urn..
All the memories flashed back again..

The 5 days of the funeral ended yesterday..
All the events that occurs during the past 5 days, it seems like a dream..
The sealing of the coffin on the 1st day, all the prayers with the kneeling down and joss sticks.. All these memories would always be stuck in me..

Something that really left a deep impression on me was on the last day..

There was a funeral band that was engaged by my father, as a last present for his mother-in-law.. When the band started to play the 1st song, the mood of the event turned gloomy.. Tears started to flow on many of our faces.. It somehow signify that we would be sending off our granny soon.. The atmosphere seems very heavy..

Then, i saw my mum and dad standing next to my granny's coffin.. My mum broke down and started to cry.. I could also see that my dad was crying too but he had to be strong for my mum.. When i withness all this, i cant help but starts to get real emotional..

I remember my eldest cousins keep reminding us to be strong and to be there for our parents.. We have to be strong and try very hard not to cry.. During the whole process on the last day, we tried to remain strong so as to comfort our parents.. There was a point where we will surround the coffin for the last prayers.. That was the time where all of us really break down and cry.. It was really damn sad atmosphere..

We would have to pray for granny for the next 49 days..

Sudden Depart I

2009-05-28T02:53:00.001-07:00

Date: 10 Apr 2009 (Fri)

Today is the last day of the wake..
So many stuff had happens for the past few days.. Yet all these seems to me that it had only just happen not long ago.. All these dont seems real at all..
I keep asking myself over & over again: " What had really happen?? Is it real or am i only dreaming??"
I still could not accept wat is happening at all.. I believe it is not just me who cant believe what had really happened at all.. All of us in the Tan family is still trying very hard to take in whatever that had just suddenly happened in our lives..

All this started on...

Date: 05 Apr 2009 (Sunday)
Time: 07 00 hr

I was still in my sleep when my 2nd sis suddenly budge in to my room.. I had a shock and sat up on my bed, thinking what had happened.. I could see her terrified face..

She said to me: " Jie, Adeline just called me.. Ah ma now being rushed down to Tan Tock Seng le.."

What!?! Omg.. That's wat went through my mind..

I really do not know what really happened for the next half an hr.. All i know that me & my sis quickly cabbed down to TTSH A & E.. Upon reaching, all my uncles, aunts and cousins were crowded outside the entrance of the A & E.. For the next half an hr, the wait is really agonizing.. We do not even know what happened to her at all..

My mum was so upset that i could see tears rolling down her cheeks.. As i comforted her, my tears started to swell too.. As I looked around i could see that even my cousins were crying..

We took turns to have our breakfast at TTS canteen.. All of us do not have much appetite at all. Just as we were about to sit down, we recieved calls that my granny would be sent to the NICU.. All of us rushed there.. We were made to wait at the waiting area.. After waiting for quite some time, the doctor came to tell us bout her conditions.. He showed us her scan on the brain, saying that there is massive bledding in her brain.. There is nth they can do but just let her go slowly..

The news really hit all of us real hard.. How could this had happenen? She did not have a fall at all.. I had just spoken to her on Fri evening and she sounds so healthy, so alright.. She had only just gone out with my uncle and cousins yesterday, how can all these had happen within just few hrs??

The doc told us tt there is really nth can be done to save her.. Tears can be seens on our faces and the impact of the news to us were real great.. We could not believe that such things would ever happen to the Granny that seems so healthy to us..

Finally, we get to see her.. She looked so pale, with all the machines that are hooked on her.. That is the sight that i've never expected to see in my life at all.. She was just lying there, slping, cant even speak to us at all..
All of us took turn to accompany her by her side..

The last moment that I was with her was till 6am on Monday morning.. When i prepared to go to bed, it was already coming to 8am..

Then at around 9plus, I recieved a called from Liqin:" 晓筠, 阿嬷走了.."

I really dont know what to do at all.. I quickly called my dad ( he had fetch my mum to her workplace earlier that morning).. I passed him the news, only to realised that my parents was already home.. I quickly rushed to my sis room and told her the news.. She was so shocked that she jumped out of bed.. We all quickly rushed down to the hosp..

There she was, lying on the bed looking so peaceful.. She didn't leave any last word.. We were all crying uncontrollably.. We all bid of farewells to her, trying to be strong so that she would be able to leave in peace..

Lots of preparation needed to be done for the funeral, etc.. Everything seems to happen in a daze.. Frankly speaking, none of us ever accepted that she is gone.. We all still feels that she is still around.. My family still expected to visit her on Sunday (somethings tt we do every week) at my uncle's house..

I would always remember the time that my family would bring her to eat dim sum at Changi village.. Following that, we would go for a walk at the beach.. She seems so healthy, so well.. But all these could nvr happen anymore..
Whenever she come to stay over at my home, she would be sleeping in my room, on my bed.. Whenever i looked at my bed, memories bout her would always flood back to me...

Granny, i do really misses you so much..!!