Date: 23/1/2010
Day: Saturday
On wednesday nite, i went to pasir ris park with dear..
As I look out into the endless sea, lots of things went through my mind..
As the scene of what happen for the past few days ran through my mind, tear rolled down my face..
I was thinking: During the exact day at last year, I still have 2 grandmothers around..
But just after only 1year, I've lost both of them..
I dont have them anymore.. Feeling so lost without the both of them suddenly..
Well.. Who would expect such things to happen at all.
Especially having to lose them both within a span of just less den 1 year..
One was gone on 6 Apr 2009 (Granny) while another left on 16 Jan 2010 (Grandma).
The length of time that passed was only 9mths 10days only..
Not even A year yet..
The blow that is to us.. Seems somehow unbearable at certain time of life..
Haiizz.. Sometimes really dunno wat to do at all.
MY 2nd sis had always tell us to have prepartion in our heart that one day it might just happen..
But who knows, it still hurts so much when she goes..
But at least one thing for sure is that she is relieve from all her pain..
At least she is finally reunited with grandfather after 10yrs..
Who really loose their love ones one right after another in such a short time??
The wound is not even heal when i loose my granny, then the wound is torn apart again when i lose my grandma this time..
I've not even learn to accept the fact that my granny is gone..
But now, another have left too..
All seems like a dream.. Something that doesnt seems real at all..
I think it would hurt even more for my parents..
I know how hurtful it is to lose their own mothers..
Having to go through the unbearable pain over and over again when the wound isnt heal at all..
We know that we have to come to accept the fact..
But we just pushed all the thoughts and pain aside, not wanting to think about it..
But when these thoughts and pain surface, it would only hurt us even more..
May U rest in Peace
Blog running concurrently @ mypainfulmemories.blogspot.com
Date: 16/1/2010 - 20/1/2010
Day: Sat- Wed
Got a call at 1.30am from my uncle that my grandma could hold on much longer.
All of us rushed down from Pasir Ris all the way to Tuas..
At first when we reach there, i thought that grandma was still alive.
But only when I heard from my uncle that the doctor had pronounce that her heartbeat had stopped..
I didnt know what to do at all but just cried..
Although we have somewhat expected this due to her illness but still, its stil hard to let go..
I still rmb the last time when she held on to my hand when she's at the hospital.
How i wish that i can still hold on to her again..
But i know that it will be impoossible..
Something that can never be done anymore..
Whatever that happens in the past few days, it doesnt seems real at all.
Somewhat, i feels like i'm in a dream or worst, a NIGHTMARE..
I really misses her very much.. ♥♥
♥ Pain ♥
Date: 29/11/09
Day: Sun
Days that you were gone from our life: 7mths 23 days
I've not updated this blog for a very long time..
Within the past 2 mths, lots of stuff happens..
LQ got married on 17 Oct (Sat).
This is the day tt she had hoped that Granny could have attended..
But, even though LQ had brought the date forward, Granny was still not be able to be there in person.
What I'll rmb deeply is the speech that LQ gave at her wedding..
The speech touches the Tan Family..
Tears were flowing uncontrollably as the memories of you flow through our mind..
You are always remembered dearly by every single one of us..
There are so many times that whenever i thought of you, i will just cry..
Everytime i keep asking myself why is it so unfair that you just simply leave us like this..
You didnt even say any last words to us..
We didnt even get to talk to u for the last time..
But i'm glad that you went off peacefully..
Granny, if there's anything tt you need, you just have to let me know de..
Thanks for the care that you've showered us with..
You'll always be irreplaceable..
阿嫲，你知道我有多么的想你吗。
我有多么希望一切所发生的都是一场噩梦而已。
有很多次每当我睡醒而张开眼时，有多么的希望能再一次的见到你。
我好想念你在我们生命里的那段日子。。
Day: Sun
Days that you were gone from our life: 7mths 23 days
I've not updated this blog for a very long time..
Within the past 2 mths, lots of stuff happens..
LQ got married on 17 Oct (Sat).
This is the day tt she had hoped that Granny could have attended..
But, even though LQ had brought the date forward, Granny was still not be able to be there in person.
What I'll rmb deeply is the speech that LQ gave at her wedding..
The speech touches the Tan Family..
Tears were flowing uncontrollably as the memories of you flow through our mind..
You are always remembered dearly by every single one of us..
There are so many times that whenever i thought of you, i will just cry..
Everytime i keep asking myself why is it so unfair that you just simply leave us like this..
You didnt even say any last words to us..
We didnt even get to talk to u for the last time..
But i'm glad that you went off peacefully..
Granny, if there's anything tt you need, you just have to let me know de..
Thanks for the care that you've showered us with..
You'll always be irreplaceable..
阿嫲，你知道我有多么的想你吗。
我有多么希望一切所发生的都是一场噩梦而已。
有很多次每当我睡醒而张开眼时，有多么的希望能再一次的见到你。
我好想念你在我们生命里的那段日子。。
days passed
Date: 1 Sep 09
All of us met up and went to pray Granny on Sat ( 29 08 09) @ Guan Ming San..
I realise smth..
Whenever we looked at Granny's tablet, most of our eyes would start to water..
LQ, XQ, Step and even me..
I try not to look them in the eyes as I know tt if i did, i would confirm cry de..
Even though a length of time have passed, but we'll still hve tt sour sour feeling whenever we mention about Granny..
All of us will just paused in silent, as if we're havin flashback on what had happend..
People says tt we need time to heal our "wounds"..
Mayb half a yr..
But I doubt tt.. Seriously.
There is LQ's wedding @ Oct and also CNY..
So these are some of the major timing tt we'll all feel sad and losted..
Weell... Me n my sis have talk about it before..
What are we really going to do during CNY??
Daddy & mummy are not going to bring Granny around to pray as usual..
Mummy confirm will be sad de..
*sigh..
We will be missing the sight of her on her rocking chair..
Her walking around the house..
Her talking bout the tv programme that we'll be watching..
Its like missing a part of her in our lifes..
I'm having exams on the 2nd and 4th sep..
Hopfully everything would goes well..
Granny, frm where u're, pls blessed me and my sis that everything will goes well in our exams..
Thanks Granny =D
All of us met up and went to pray Granny on Sat ( 29 08 09) @ Guan Ming San..
I realise smth..
Whenever we looked at Granny's tablet, most of our eyes would start to water..
LQ, XQ, Step and even me..
I try not to look them in the eyes as I know tt if i did, i would confirm cry de..
Even though a length of time have passed, but we'll still hve tt sour sour feeling whenever we mention about Granny..
All of us will just paused in silent, as if we're havin flashback on what had happend..
People says tt we need time to heal our "wounds"..
Mayb half a yr..
But I doubt tt.. Seriously.
There is LQ's wedding @ Oct and also CNY..
So these are some of the major timing tt we'll all feel sad and losted..
Weell... Me n my sis have talk about it before..
What are we really going to do during CNY??
Daddy & mummy are not going to bring Granny around to pray as usual..
Mummy confirm will be sad de..
*sigh..
We will be missing the sight of her on her rocking chair..
Her walking around the house..
Her talking bout the tv programme that we'll be watching..
Its like missing a part of her in our lifes..
I'm having exams on the 2nd and 4th sep..
Hopfully everything would goes well..
Granny, frm where u're, pls blessed me and my sis that everything will goes well in our exams..
Thanks Granny =D
♥♥ misses ♥♥
Date:23 08 09
Time: 1am
Days you've be missed by us: ♥♥ 4mths 17days ♥♥
Been so long since my last blogging..
It had been quite a long time since our last gathering le..
The last time we got togther was during Granny's 100th day anniversary..
Ltr, there will be another family gathering at Orchard Hotel~ Orchard Cafe..
Just now was watching movie: Where got Ghost??" with one of my close fren..
Somehow at some of the scene, it reminds me of Granny..
Now is the 7th mth le..
Someday, i cant help bout wonder would we get to see Granny??
Though it seems really silly but i really cant help but wonder..
*sigh..
Its the first 7th mth without Granny around..
Would I get to see her at all??
Would I get to see her when I'm alone in my room??
Would I get to see her just anywhere around??
Sometimes, wen i'm watching some tv shows, there are scenes tt would bring some memories that we had with Granny..
Then my tears would drop..
Even thought it has been 137 days since Granny was gone, the thoughts tt run through my mind would just bring back tears to my eyes..
Time: 1am
Days you've be missed by us: ♥♥ 4mths 17days ♥♥
Been so long since my last blogging..
It had been quite a long time since our last gathering le..
The last time we got togther was during Granny's 100th day anniversary..
Ltr, there will be another family gathering at Orchard Hotel~ Orchard Cafe..
Just now was watching movie: Where got Ghost??" with one of my close fren..
Somehow at some of the scene, it reminds me of Granny..
Now is the 7th mth le..
Someday, i cant help bout wonder would we get to see Granny??
Though it seems really silly but i really cant help but wonder..
*sigh..
Its the first 7th mth without Granny around..
Would I get to see her at all??
Would I get to see her when I'm alone in my room??
Would I get to see her just anywhere around??
Sometimes, wen i'm watching some tv shows, there are scenes tt would bring some memories that we had with Granny..
Then my tears would drop..
Even thought it has been 137 days since Granny was gone, the thoughts tt run through my mind would just bring back tears to my eyes..
As the time passes by......
Date: 20 June 2009 (Saturday)
It has been 2 months and 2 weeks since Granny was gone from our lives.. Though many of us seems to have let go of the major happening that had left a huge impact in our lives that had sudden us by sudden, the truth is that none of us had gotten over it at all.. Its like we seems to be trying to get on like the past, trying our best not to recall the painful event as often as we could.. The entire event had in fact really causes so much pain in our heart and its unlikely for us to let it go even as months passes by..
Throughout the 10 weeks, we had many gatherings that had bonded even closer than before.. We had pot-luck sessions, dinners and even bowling sessions.. The latest gathering for us would be the picnic cum BBQ tml (Sunday 21/6).. We are all trying our best to carry on our Granny's wish on being bonded together for a long long time even after she had left.. Our granny always likes it whenever we gathered together for family events.. Even though she had left us, she will always have a place deep in our heart..
I was talking to mum on Thursday night (18/6).. I asked her this question: " Mummy, do you think that whether anyone of us had really gotten over the fact that Granny really had left us??" She replied that she feels that even though 2 mths had passed, none of us in the Tan Family had really gotten over it at all.. I strongly agreed with what my mum said.. I mean, its like all of us in the Tan Family had not even accepted the truth that our beloved Granny is gone forever.. The pain that really occupies us deep inside, its something that we had not expected to face it so soon at all.. It all seems like a bad dream and we would all want to wake up from it.. Its simply too sudden, too quick for all these to happen.. None of us had expected for her to be gone from our lives so soon.. At least not in 2009 nor even the next few years.. Its so cruel and painful for all of us to face without us being prepared in any way..
I had always thought that we will always get to see her on sunday whenever my family goes over to my 2nd uncle's home to visit her.. It not like we had expected this to stop sudden.. All the laughter and dialect that we used to always hear from her, it all seems to have stopped too sudden.. Its like how come it just happen like that?? There was no warning or any last word at all.. Then she is gone from our lives.. All of us did not even get the chance to speak to her for the last time..
Why do we always have to be so ignorant??
Why do we always only learn to appreciate after it was gone??
Why is it that we always do stuff that we will only regret later??
Why didnt we thought of spending more times with our love ones??
Why do we never appreciate all the stuff that our love ones always does for us??
Why is it that we know that our love ones will leave us one day but yet we always take them for granted??
Why why why??
Would I ever get to see you in my dream again?
Whenever I think of you, tears would drop no matter where am I..
The hurt can only be hidden in our heart..
I really miss u very much Granny..
Misses you alot till it sometimes hurt..
It has been 2 months and 2 weeks since Granny was gone from our lives.. Though many of us seems to have let go of the major happening that had left a huge impact in our lives that had sudden us by sudden, the truth is that none of us had gotten over it at all.. Its like we seems to be trying to get on like the past, trying our best not to recall the painful event as often as we could.. The entire event had in fact really causes so much pain in our heart and its unlikely for us to let it go even as months passes by..
Throughout the 10 weeks, we had many gatherings that had bonded even closer than before.. We had pot-luck sessions, dinners and even bowling sessions.. The latest gathering for us would be the picnic cum BBQ tml (Sunday 21/6).. We are all trying our best to carry on our Granny's wish on being bonded together for a long long time even after she had left.. Our granny always likes it whenever we gathered together for family events.. Even though she had left us, she will always have a place deep in our heart..
I was talking to mum on Thursday night (18/6).. I asked her this question: " Mummy, do you think that whether anyone of us had really gotten over the fact that Granny really had left us??" She replied that she feels that even though 2 mths had passed, none of us in the Tan Family had really gotten over it at all.. I strongly agreed with what my mum said.. I mean, its like all of us in the Tan Family had not even accepted the truth that our beloved Granny is gone forever.. The pain that really occupies us deep inside, its something that we had not expected to face it so soon at all.. It all seems like a bad dream and we would all want to wake up from it.. Its simply too sudden, too quick for all these to happen.. None of us had expected for her to be gone from our lives so soon.. At least not in 2009 nor even the next few years.. Its so cruel and painful for all of us to face without us being prepared in any way..
I had always thought that we will always get to see her on sunday whenever my family goes over to my 2nd uncle's home to visit her.. It not like we had expected this to stop sudden.. All the laughter and dialect that we used to always hear from her, it all seems to have stopped too sudden.. Its like how come it just happen like that?? There was no warning or any last word at all.. Then she is gone from our lives.. All of us did not even get the chance to speak to her for the last time..
Why do we always have to be so ignorant??
Why do we always only learn to appreciate after it was gone??
Why is it that we always do stuff that we will only regret later??
Why didnt we thought of spending more times with our love ones??
Why do we never appreciate all the stuff that our love ones always does for us??
Why is it that we know that our love ones will leave us one day but yet we always take them for granted??
Why why why??
Would I ever get to see you in my dream again?
Whenever I think of you, tears would drop no matter where am I..
The hurt can only be hidden in our heart..
I really miss u very much Granny..
Misses you alot till it sometimes hurt..
Memories II
Date: 7 June 2009 (Sunday)
As i'm reading my sis's blog, all the memories on whatever that had happen just flow back through my mind.. It had been sometime since i last blog.. All these while, i thought tt i've finally allow myself to let go on all the unhappiness.. But it was on when I started to read on my sis wrote, i realised that i had not let go at all.. I've only been surpressing my thoughts and feelings bout whatever had happen..
Sunday used to be the time when my mummy and daddy would go my 2nd uncle home to visit my Granny.. Me and my 2 sis would only go whenever we're free.. Tts why we were really happy whenever Granny came over to stay..
But this would never happen again..
Yesterday, mummy bought durians.. It is Granny's favourite fruit.. When we were opening the fruit, somehow it remind me of the times tt whenever we gave durian to Granny, she would refuse to take it and give it to us instead.. She would rather give it to us to enjoy even though she loves durian..
But this would never happen anymore..
Whenever we're watching television programme, Granny would always be talking and talking bout whatever that happens in the show.. Sometimes we would have to explain it to her throughout the entire show.. We would feel paranoid for not being able to watch the show peacefully and might nagged at her.. (Granny, I'm very sorry to have felt this way..)
But this would never ever happen anymore..
All the "eating out" with Granny on weekends.. She sleeping on my bed whenever she comes over.. Her waking up very early in the morning and coming in to my 2nd sis room to check on us if we're sleeping well.. Whenever at meals, her giving us the food instead of having them for herself.. It had came to an end le.. All these things, i would nvr go throught them anymore..
I really miss hearing her talking to us.. I really miss her using our own dialect whenever she talks to us.. I really do miss hearing her voice.. I really miss the way she holds on to me whenever we go out.. I really miss the way her soft wrinkle hand would hold on to mine.. I really miss the way she calls me.. I really wanna talk to her so much.. I really wana hold her hand again..
Granny, I really misses you so much..
Would u be appearing in my dream?? Would i be able to see you anymore?? Would you be talking to me again??
As i'm reading my sis's blog, all the memories on whatever that had happen just flow back through my mind.. It had been sometime since i last blog.. All these while, i thought tt i've finally allow myself to let go on all the unhappiness.. But it was on when I started to read on my sis wrote, i realised that i had not let go at all.. I've only been surpressing my thoughts and feelings bout whatever had happen..
Sunday used to be the time when my mummy and daddy would go my 2nd uncle home to visit my Granny.. Me and my 2 sis would only go whenever we're free.. Tts why we were really happy whenever Granny came over to stay..
But this would never happen again..
Yesterday, mummy bought durians.. It is Granny's favourite fruit.. When we were opening the fruit, somehow it remind me of the times tt whenever we gave durian to Granny, she would refuse to take it and give it to us instead.. She would rather give it to us to enjoy even though she loves durian..
But this would never happen anymore..
Whenever we're watching television programme, Granny would always be talking and talking bout whatever that happens in the show.. Sometimes we would have to explain it to her throughout the entire show.. We would feel paranoid for not being able to watch the show peacefully and might nagged at her.. (Granny, I'm very sorry to have felt this way..)
But this would never ever happen anymore..
All the "eating out" with Granny on weekends.. She sleeping on my bed whenever she comes over.. Her waking up very early in the morning and coming in to my 2nd sis room to check on us if we're sleeping well.. Whenever at meals, her giving us the food instead of having them for herself.. It had came to an end le.. All these things, i would nvr go throught them anymore..
I really miss hearing her talking to us.. I really miss her using our own dialect whenever she talks to us.. I really do miss hearing her voice.. I really miss the way she holds on to me whenever we go out.. I really miss the way her soft wrinkle hand would hold on to mine.. I really miss the way she calls me.. I really wanna talk to her so much.. I really wana hold her hand again..
Granny, I really misses you so much..
Would u be appearing in my dream?? Would i be able to see you anymore?? Would you be talking to me again??
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